Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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