My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
