I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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