Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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