Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
