if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My cat gives me a boner
handjob tips. give me some.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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