not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
