ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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