Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
