chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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