woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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