I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
In America we eat man semen.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
