Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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