Sponge bath it is.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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