i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
