You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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