We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize