the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
