I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
