Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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