I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
