I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
