your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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