Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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