I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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