do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Boobs speak an international language.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
