Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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