I'm passing your future prison.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
