Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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