I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
