did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
