gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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