last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
