no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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