WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
