I wish I could teleport
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
