We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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