Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
