Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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