Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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