she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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