Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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