i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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