She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
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