I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
