So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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