Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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