Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
