Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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