My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
