he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
