I hate all girls vehemently.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
