I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
