There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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