i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
