Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
