I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Randomize
