I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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